(For the months of February-July, 2007)
There were Five country churches in a small Texas town:
The Presbyterian Church , the Baptist Church , the Methodist Church , the Catholic Church and the Jewish Synagogue.
 
  Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels .

One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels.
 After much prayer and consideration they Determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will..

In The BAPTIST CHURCH the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.

The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

But -- The Catholic CHURCH came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter

Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue,
 But they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.

(weeks of December 14th-January 16th, 2007)

"Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"

"Yes. What can I do for you?"

"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He's hidin'
marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it
inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no
marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

"Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....did the Sheriff come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep!"

"Merry Christmas, buddy!"
(Rednecks know how to git-R-dun).

(weeks of September-December 13th)

I'm not sure of the validity of these, but supposedly they're true. You can click this link to read more and see references to actual laws for some of them:
http://www.dumblaws.com/laws/united-states/tennessee/

Tennessee Crazy Law

· Any person crippling, killing or in any way destroying a proud female dog that is running at large shall not be held liable for the damages due to such killing or destruction.

· "Crimes against nature" are prohibited.

· More than 8 women may not live in the same house because that would constitute a brothel.

· It is illegal to use a lasso to catch a fish.

· Hollow logs may not be sold.

· It is legal to gather and consume roadkill.

· Stealing a horse is punishible by hanging.

· Driving is not to be done while asleep.

· You can't shoot any game other than whales from a moving automobile.

Dyersburg· It is illegal for a woman to call a man for a date.

Fayette County· You may not have more than five inoperable vehicles on a piece of property.

Lenoir City· When you pull up to a stop sign you must fire a gun out the window to warn horse carriages that you are coming.

Lexington· No one may eat ice cream on the sidewalk.

· Spitting on the sidewalk is prohibited.

Knoxville· In front of their buildings, all businesses must have a "hitching post."

Memphis

· Panhandlers must first obtain a $10 permit before begging on the streets of downtown Memphis. (Passed in 1996)

· Illegal for a woman to drive a car unless there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians.

· It's illegal for frogs to croak after 11 PM.

· It is illegal to give any pie to fellow diners. It is also illegal to take unfinished pie home. All pie must be eaten on the premises.

(week of August?)

Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.

Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde! We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!"

(week of 4/12-a very long time)
A 65-year-old woman gave birth to a baby boy.
When she was discharged from the hospital and went home,
her relatives came to visit.

''May we see the new baby?" one asked.
"Not yet," said the mother.
"I'll make coffee and we can visit for awhile first."
Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked,
"May we see the new baby now?"
"No, not yet," said the mother.

After another few minutes had elapsed,
they asked again, "May we see the baby now?"
"No, not yet," replied the mother.

Growing very impatient, they asked,
"Well, when can we see the baby?"
"WHEN HE CRIES!" she told them.
"WHEN HE CRIES?" they demanded to know why.
"Why do we have to wait until he CRIES?"

"BECAUSE, I forgot where I put him!"

(week of 3/8-3/14)
(this is a compilation of short church jokes)

Over the massive front doors of a church, these words were inscribed: "The Gate of Heaven". Below that was a small cardboard sign which read: "Please use other entrance."

Rev. Warren J. Keating, Pastor of the First Presbyterian Church of Yuma, AZ, says that the best prayer he ever heard was: "Lord, please make me the kind of person my dog thinks I am."

A Woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. "What Denomination?" Asked the clerk. "Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic ones."

On a very cold, snowy Sunday in February, only the pastor and one farmer arrived at the village church. The pastor said, "Well, I guess we won't have a service today." The farmer replied: "Pastor, even if only one cow shows up at feeding time, I feed it."

I was at the beach with my children when my four-year-old son ran up to me, grabbed my hand, and led me to the shore, where a sea gull lay dead in the sand. "Mommy, what happened to him?" the little boy asked. "He died and went to Heaven," I replied. My son thought a moment and then said, "And God threw him back down?"

Bill Keane, creator of the Family Circus cartoon strip tells of a time when he was penciling one of his cartoons and his son Jeffy said, "Daddy, how do you know what to draw?" I said, "God tells me." Jeffy said, "Then why do you keep erasing parts of it?"

My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" I wouldn't know what to say," she replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," my wife said. Our daughter bowed her head and said: "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

(week of 2/28-3/4)
An airline captain was breaking in a new _____ (fill in the blank) stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

(weeks of 2/12-2/25)
[this isn't as funny as last week's]
Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day,
were led down to the room in which they would meet their maker.
The priest had given them last rites,
the formal speech had been given by the warden,
and a final prayer had been said among the participants.
The warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked,
"Son, do you have a last request?"
To which the man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love dance music.
Could you please play the Macarena for me one last time?"
"Certainly," replied the warden.
He turned to the other man and asked,
"Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?"
"Please," said the condemned man, "kill me first."

(weeks of forever-2/11)
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. 
After a good dinner, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.

"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute.

"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.  Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.  Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes is silent for a moment.  
"Watson, you idiot!" he says.  "Someone has stolen our tent!"